"Sweetly Broken" Chapter 1 (Snippet)

Since many of you are great supporters of my writing, I wanted to keep the buzz going for the book by giving you all a few snippets of the re-write of my first book called, Sweetly Broken.  This is a great way for you to get re-introduced to the characters, or for some you, this is your first time meeting them.  I hope you love them as much as I love writing their story.  Would love to hear your first impressions.  Ignore the technical and grammatical errors, lol. I'm awful at editing. So for chapter 1, I want you to meet, Kayla Evans. 

chapterONE

           

 

“Tomorrow is our two year anniversary,” Kayla Evans said with a sigh to her girlfriends.  The four girls were having a “Girl’s Night” at Christie and Rachel’s luxurious apartment.  They were all cozied up in blankets and pajama pants, lounging on the couches and chairs sipping coffee and chatting.     

“You don’t sound too excited about it.”  Rachel said.

“Well, I haven’t heard anything from James about any kind of plans.”  Kayla said as she took a sip of her coffee. 

“You think he remembered?”  Nikki asked. 

“Who knows?”  Kayla shrugged, clearly discouraged. 

“Kay, you know men like James don’t pay attention to things like that.”  Rachel said.

“Girl, all men today don’t pay attention to things like that.”  Nikki corrected.  Unanimous agreement went across the room.    

“Which is why WE have to train them.  Everyone knows men need us.  Even God said it.  So we have to be the ones to teach them how to be good boyfriends and husbands.”

“What?  Really?”  Kayla asked.

“Yes.  You have to train them girl.  If he doesn’t know how to make you happy then you teach him how to make you happy.  Like this situation, for example.  You have a perfect opportunity to train him in how to make you happy by letting him know that you’re expecting to celebrate tomorrow for your two year anniversary.”  Nikki said.

“What? How would I do that?” 

“Okay,” Nikki began as she sat up right in her chair, “Text him right now.  But don’t make it obvious that you’re dropping a hint.  Give him a chance to be ‘the man’ and say it in a way that he can still take credit for it.” 

“So like, ‘Hey babe.  Can’t wait to celebrate our two year anniversary tomorrow.’?”  Kayla asked. 

“PERFECT!  Exactly! Something like that.”  Nikki screamed as she clapped her hands.  The other girls grinned nervously, unsure of the ingenious theory.  Kayla unfolded her legs on the couch and reached for her cell phone.  She found James’s number and started to compose a text message. 

HEY BABE.  I CANNOT WAIT TO CELEBRATE OUR TWO YEAR ANNIVERSARY TOMORROW. IT’S BEEN AN INCREDIBLE TWO YEARS! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH FOR MAKING IT SO GREAT.

          Kayla read the text out loud as she typed.  She fiddled with her nails and bit her bottom lip before sending the text message.    

          “There you go girl.  Train him.”  Nikki said as Rachel and Christie just nodded and watched in suspense.

          “Hehe,” Kayla giggled, “This is kind of fun.  But feels a little risky though.”  Kayla said as she sat her phone back down and looked at her girlfriends. 

          “It kind of is. But, risky is the game of love.”  Nikki assured. 

          “Amen to that.”  Rachel and Christie said almost in unison. 

          “Do you really think he didn’t remember?”  Christie asked as she tied her blonde hair into a pony tail.   

          “I honestly don’t know.”  Kayla answered.  “I really have no faith in him though.  But!  He has learned to bring me cookie dough ice cream when I’m mad at him.  Which is about every three weeks.”

          “Wait.  Cookie dough ice cream is a pacifier for you?” Christie asked. 

          “Well, I wouldn’t say a pacifier, I’d say more of a….”  Kayla rolled her eyes to the top of her head in thought of a better word, until finally giving up the search and laughing.  “Eh, you’re right.  I guess that is what a pacifier is huh?” 

          “Yeahhhhhh.  That’s sad Kayla.”  Christie said while shaking her head. 

          “Shut up!”  Kayla tossed a pillow across the room as they all shared a laugh.  “Oh, this is him.”  Kayla responded after her phone buzzed in her lap. 

          ME TOO. BE READY TOMORROW AT 6. 

          Kayla read the text out loud after reading it silently to herself. 

          “That’s it? No, I’ve had a great two years too? None of that? Ugh, he’s so unaffectionate.” 

          “Train him girl.  Train him.”  Repeated Nikki. 

***

          The next night, Nikki was at Kayla’s apartment to help her get ready for her anniversary date with James. 

“Is it weird that I’m nervous?”  Kayla asked Nikki while she was doing her hair and helping her with makeup.

          “I don’t know.  Why are you nervous?” 

          “I don’t know.  That’s why I’m asking.”  Kayla said. Nikki shook her head and looked at the clock. 

          “It’s almost 6.  Are you ready?”  Nikki asked as she sat down the hot comb and let Kayla look at the results of her hands.    

          “Yeah, I think so.”  Kayla said as she stepped back in front of the mirror and looked herself over.  She was wearing a clingy teal blue strapless dress that stopped mid-way down her thigh with tan tie up heels. 

          “You think I’m ready?  What do you think?  Is the dress too tight?” 

          “Girl, only you can pull that dress off.  And it looks great on you.  He’ll be drooling by the time drink orders come.”  Nikki said as she looked at Kayla in the mirror. 

          “Yeah?” Kayla asked as she pulled on the dress.  “Because I need to spice things up a little bit.”    

          “Yeah, as a matter of fact.  You should walk to the bathroom right after you guys order your drinks so he can see you again in the dress.  Here’s a secret about men.  They get really excited when their girl is walking through a room in a dress like this because he knows other men are looking at you and they’ll be envious of him.”

          “Okay.”  Kayla said as she blankly stared in the mirror.

          “And besides all of that.  Just calm down.  Tonight is going to be great.  You’re going on a date with a man you love, celebrating your two year anniversary.  That’s a big deal.  Enjoy it!” 

          “Just calm down.  Tonight is going to be great.  You’re going on a date with a man you love, celebrating your two year anniversary.  Enjoy it!”  Kayla repeated out loud to herself in a monotone voice as she continued to stare at herself in the mirror. 

          “Remember to train him.”

          “Remember to train him.”  Kayla repeated out loud again in the same monotone voice.

          “It feels like I’m programming you.” 

          “It feels like I’m programming you.” Kayla repeated in a robotic voice and started to laugh.  Nikki slapped her on the arm and walked out of the bathroom.  The laugh helped Kayla calm down a little as she walked out into the living room to wait for James to get there.  As soon as she sat down, her phone buzzed.  She picked it up off her coffee table.

          HEY, I’M OUTSIDE. Kayla read the text out loud.

          “He’s outside? What does that mean?” 

          “It means he’s outside Nikki.  He’s texting me from the car outside in the parking lot.”  Kayla said as she got up to grab her purse.

          “No ma’am!  You have to train him Kayla.  Ya’ll are entering into a new season of your lives.  Two years!  Your relationship is on a whole new level.  So he needs to bring his gentlemen game up to a new level.  Make him come to the door.  Train him.” 

          “How?” 

          “Tell him that you’re not quite ready yet and he should come up here and wait for you.” 

          Kayla texted that verbatim and sat the phone back down on the coffee table.  She sat on the edge of her couch to wait for his response. 

          “How long do we wait?” 

          “Make him wait.  Train him.”  Nikki kept saying.  So Kayla and Nikki just stared at the phone for almost five minutes. 

          “Is he serious?  Where is he?”  Nikki asked. 

          “Told you. I’ll just go on down.”

          “Kayla. Sit down and make him wait.”  Nikki suggested again.  So they both stared at the clock for another five minutes. 

          “Told you.  I’m about to go.” 

          “Ok.  He’s ridiculous.  Well, have an attitude tonight.  Bring it up that he didn’t come up to the door and then play hard to get all night.  Make him work for it.”  Nikki winked as she gave her final advice.    

          “Gotcha.”  Kayla returned the gestured. 

          “Okay.  Well have fun girl!”  Nikki said as she followed behind her to head to her own apartment. 

          Kayla locked up her third floor apartment and walked down the stairs.  When she got to the parking lot she saw James still sitting in his car, not moving.  

Is he asleep? I knew I shouldn’t have had him wait that long. Kayla thought to herself as she approached the car.  But as she got closer, she saw the glow from his cell phone on his face and a large grin plastered on his lips.   

          What is he doing?  He better not be texting someone!? 

          Kayla softly walked up to the car and opened her door.  It startled James a little bit when the car door so suddenly opened.  And after seeing Kayla, he stopped in the middle of typing a text message and put his phone in his left pocket. 

          “Why didn’t you come up?”  She asked.

          “I never come up.”

          “But I asked you to because I wasn’t done getting ready.” 

          “I know. I didn’t mind waiting in the car.” 

          “Did you even realize how long you were waiting?” 

          “Huh?”  James said as he looked at the clock.  “Oh.” 

          “Yeah.  What were you doing?  Who were you texting?” 

          “Nobody.  What’s wrong with you? Why are you acting like that?” 

          “You didn’t come up to the door.” 

          “Kayla. I never do.  That walk is too long.” 

          “Ugh. Whatever.” Kayla rolled her eyes and jerked her seatbelt around her body.  She shoved the clip into the buckle and flopped back in her passenger seat.

          “Why are you starting an argument on our two year anniversary about something as petty as me coming to the door?  Can you chill out please?  This is supposed to be----”

          “Okay James! Sorry. Let’s just go!”  Kayla interrupted him because she hates being called petty. 

          All I asked is for you to come up to the door.  And I’m being petty.  On our two year anniversary, you couldn’t come up to the door. Kayla thought to herself as she stared at the window.   

          The car was silent as James took her to a nice Italian restaurant in the downtown area.  They were seated right away at a table in the middle of the restaurant. 

Well this is nice.  Kayla thought to herself as they sat down.  The waiter promptly greeted them and asked for their drink orders.   As soon as the drinks were ordered, Kayla executed what Nikki suggested.

“Where’s your restroom?”  Kayla asked the waiter as he pointed across the restaurant.  

“James, I’ll be right back.”  Kayla said as she got up and walked away from the table.  As she walked with great posture and grace towards the restroom, she cut her eyes across the room and noticed a few guys were checking her out.  When she got to the restroom, she sat her purse on the sink and looked in the mirror and started to check her hair and makeup. 

Nikki does such a good job with my hair and makeup.  Kayla said to herself as she sighed. But why don’t I feel right?  I don’t feel special at all right now.  Kayla thought to herself as she pulled on her dress.  Kayla.  Stop being petty.  You know James love you.  Let go of all of that stuff from earlier and enjoy dinner with the man you love.  She said to herself as she grabbed her purse and left the restroom with a fixed attitude.

As soon as she turned the corner, she looked at her table.  James was texting someone again. 

Are you kidding me? Who could he possibly be texting right now?  Ugh! Kayla said to herself as she prepared to unleash some rage when she returned to the table.  But when she was a few feet from the table, he looked up at her.  He looked as if he had just seen her for the first time as high eyes bulged out of his head and a huge smile arose on his face. 

“Kayla?  Wow.”  

“What?”  Kayla asked now confused.

“You look so amazing tonight.”  James said, and instantly her anger went away.

“Thank you.”  She blushed.  I can’t believe that worked. 

After she sat down, the night took a turn towards perfection.  They share a lovely dinner and great laughs.  James knows how to make Kayla laugh, which is one of the things she loves about him.  After dinner, they went for a walk up to the park that had a scenic trial with great views of downtown and the river that flowed through the city.  They held hands and shared sweet sentiments until Kayla started to get cold so they headed back to his apartment. 

          “So, what are you thinking we close the night with?”  James asked as they drove through town towards his apartment.   

          “You have some ice cream and a movie we can watch?” 

          “I have Netflix. And, I’m pretty sure there’s some ice cream in there.” 

          “Okay, we can do that.” 

          “Any toppings?”  James asked with a wink. 

          “Maybe.”  Kayla teased.  James grinned back at her as he turned into his apartment complex.  I really don’t want to have sex tonight.  I’m enjoying how special I feel right now.  Kayla said to herself as they parked.  She felt a tightness in her stomach growing but she ignored it. 

Kayla had noticed that every time they have sex, she has a hard time of not thinking about all the other girls he has had sex with.  But in that moment, she was the only one being treated like a girlfriend, and she didn’t want to lose how special that made her feel.  In that moment, he was all hers. 

          They entered into his apartment and James immediately flipped on his PS3 and loaded up Netflix while Kayla fixed two bowls of chocolate ice cream.  James walked up behind Kayla in the kitchen and wrapped his arms around her.  She loved when their bodies touched.  His strong arms and 6’3 frame always comforted her.  His cell phone that was lying on the counter on silent notified him that he had just received a text message.  He quickly picked it up and put it back into his back pocket.   

          “Who was that?”  Kayla asked over her shoulder. 

          “Um, just Jeff.” 

          “You didn’t even look at the phone.” 

          “I know.  But I know its Jeff.  I asked him something earlier.”

          Kayla just stared back at him.  She was not liking how distracting his cell phone had been all night.  Anger began to rise up in her stomach again because she could tell he was hiding something. 

          “James, who was that?”  She sternly asked as she wiggled out of his grip. 

          “Baby.  Chill out okay?  Don’t ruin this moment with fighting.” James said as he stepped towards her.      

          “Whatever.”  Kayla said as she pushed away from him and grabbed her bowl of ice cream and walked into the living room.  She sat on the couch and started to flip through Netflix’s movie choices.  James followed behind her and sat right next to her on the couch. 

          “Why are you all on me?”  Kayla asked as she continued to flip through the movie selections. 

          “Because I want you.”  James was rubbing his hands down her revealing leg. 

          “Well I want to watch a movie.”   

          “But you’re looking so nice in that dress.  I don’t want to watch a movie anymore.”  James said as he tried to remove the controller from her hand. 

          “James, look.  Didn’t you want to see that movie?”  Kayla tried to redirect his attention.

          “Kayla, tonight is our special night.  A movie would ruin this moment.”  James said as he leaned on her and started to kiss her on her neck. 

          “James. I really want to watch a movie.”  Kayla continued to squirm away from his efforts. 

          “Come on Kayla.” 

          “James, seriously.  Stop.”  Kayla pushed away from him; but he was relentless. 

          “Kayla, I love you.”  James said as he leaned on top of her again and started to kiss her.  His hands were already reaching to unzip her dress.

          “James, seriously. I really want to watch a movie.”  Kayla kept trying to redirect his attention. 

          “Kayla, come on.” 

          “James! I want to watch a movie!” 

          “Kayla, stop fighting it.  You know you want this.” 

          Immediately, Kayla had a flashback of a tragic incident that happened in her past.  That sentence was a trigger to a dungeon full of suppressed fears and emotions.  Kayla started to hyperventilate. 

          “Babe?”  James said as he climbed off of her.   

          “James.  Just.  Just.  Take me home. Please.”  Kayla said in between deep gasps of breath.  James couldn’t help but stare at her as her breathing got heavier. 

          “JAMES! TAKE ME HOME!”  Kayla let out a piercing scream and violently pushed him.  She jumped off the couch and ran to the front door.  Her breathing had gotten worse as she tried to remove the chain lock from the door.  Her quivering hands couldn’t steady enough to precisely remove the chain properly, so she punched the door with her hand and fell to the ground. 

          “Kayla? What did I…” James asked.

          “JAMES! TAKE ME HOME!” Kayla screamed again with tears streaming from her eyes.  She was violently shaking with terror in her eyes.  James walked over to the door, unchained the lock, and tried to pick her up off the ground.  As soon as James reached for her, Kayla started to punch at him. 

“STOP! GET OFF OF ME!”  Kayla screamed.  Her eyes were closed and her breathing was getting worst.  When she felt the draft from the outside sweep up her legs, she jumped up and ran out the door.  She skipped steps as she ran down the two flights of stairs.  Her breathing was heavier as she ran through the parking lot.  She sprinted until one of her heels broke in a sewage drain, causing her to fall to the ground right in front of James’s apartment complex.  She crawled over to the curb and sobbed for 15 minutes as memories from her past resurfaced and started to haunt her again.  She couldn’t shake the image of her uncle that had sexually abused her when she was 14 years old, which had happened only 6 years before that night. That man had removed her innocence on his account and for his own pleasure.  He had taken her virginity and left her broken and shamed. 

Kayla sat on the curb at the entrance of the apartment complex and wept there until she could get herself together. 

          Kayla, be strong.  James is not that man.  You’re okay.  He’s not here.  You’re okay.  She finally started to tell herself as she felt herself still shaking.  Kayla got up off the street and started to head towards her apartment.  The dark shadows on the street were terrifying her as she walked down the quiet street.  She somehow was still holding James’s PS3 controller. 

          Ugh. I wish this was my cell phone.  I want a ride home.  Kayla thought to herself as she walked.   Even though she lived in a reasonably safe town, Kayla was looking over her shoulder every few seconds.  But when she was halfway to her apartment, she felt a raindrop hit her on her hand. 

Oh! Please no!  She said to herself as she looked up to the sky.  And as soon as she thought that, the bottom fell out and it started to pour down raining.  She sprinted towards a bus stop awning that was about 50 yards away.  She sat down on the bench, already drenched from the rain. 

No no no! Kayla screamed to herself.  My shoes are ruined!  My dress is ruined!  My hair is ruined!  My makeup is ruined!  And I don’t have my cell phone to call for a ride, or a friend, or James! Ugh!!  And then suddenly, an overwhelming feeling of loneliness gripped her soul deeply, and she started to weep again. 

How do I manage to get myself into these crazy situations?

***

          The next morning Kayla was sitting in her apartment when a knock came at her door.  She sat down her journal and walked over to see who was at the door.  She looked through the peephole and was surprised at who was standing on the other side.  Kayla immediately blushed as she opened the door. 

          “Hi.”  Kayla shamefully greeted. 

          “What’s up?”  James nervously asked.    

          “Come in.” 

          “I, um, brought your cell phone.” 

          “Oh yeah.  Thanks.  I have your controller.” Kayla said as she grabbed it from her coffee table.   

          “Thanks.”  James said as he looked around the apartment.  Kayla was trying to read him but he looked completely emotionless. 

          “So?  You okay?”  James asked. 

          “Yeah.  I’m so sorry if I freaked you out or anything last night.” 

          “Yeah.  I didn’t know what to do.” 

          “I’m sorry.” 

          “What happened?” 

          “Nothing. Just….” Kayla hated to tell people about her past.  It always makes her feel dirty.  And she hated when people pitied her; she wasn’t in the mood for that today.    

          “Just, some things from my past.” 

          “Kayla.  What happened?”

          “I really don’t like telling people about it.  It’s nothing.  Please.  I don’t want to bother you with it.  I’m fine.”  Kayla said. 

          I was honest about it with my last boyfriend, and it scared him away.  I’m helping you James, trust me.  I’m helping us.  It’s for the best.   

          “Okay.”  James said.  His facial expression changed.  He seemed extremely uncomfortable.  “Well, I have to get going.  I’ll hit you up later.” 

          “Ok.”  Kayla said as she watched him mentally debate whether to hug her or not.  He gave up and headed towards the door.   

No, please stay.  I don’t want to ask but I would love it if you stayed and just held me all day.  I’m still hurting.  Kayla thought to herself as she followed him to the door and watched him leave.  He didn’t even turn around when he left.   

          Oh no.  This is about to become an issue. Kayla thought to herself as tears started to roll down her face.  Here we go again.  I’ll never escape this.     

 

The Air War of Sexual Purity

First let me explain the term I used in the title.  "An Air War" is the opposite of "A Ground War", which is a practical day to day discipline and grind. So picture your day to day devotion with God, your daily bible readings, your daily prayer, all of those are aspects of a ground war being done.  It is the war of pounding the feet and daily disciplines.  So the "Air War" is the war that is above us, the thing that is motivating you to do those daily Bible readings and daily devotion; it's the daily grind work.  It deals with the matters of the proclaimed word of God and the revelatory moments of His nature and character transforming us.   Both are necessary.  The Air War holds the hope, and it helps with being more strategic on the ground similar to the use of spy planes and etc, to give an illustration. To clear it up more, the Ground War is you getting to the gym and banging out the reps and cooking healthy meals, and the Air War would be the mental awareness of remembering the hope of a healthier life which gets you to show up to the gym.  Got it?  Now let's work.

As a growing male in our sexually driven culture, there are challenges that are present that are old in definition, but new in their presentation.  Young boys used to have to very work hard to get access to pornography, and now it is easily accessible by a simple Google search.  Marketing geniuses knows they can get us to buy anything if they slap a pretty woman somewhere near it.  Quotes like "sex sales" drives the money businesses everywhere.  Women are more insecure about their bodies and worth because of this, so we are being more exposed to the privacies of a woman without intention on a day to day basis.  So even with parental controls, eye bouncing techniques, kissing dating goodbye, you'd nearly have to leave planet Earth to get away from the external temptation of sex. So as I have struggled over the years with my own sexual temptations, what I quickly began to notice was that, "this fight is not easy".

I did a bible study one year called "Every Mans Battle", and had a fantastic time with a group of guys who were passionate about Jesus but could not seem to win this battle of sexual purity.  The book was offering great details and advice on how to fight this battle of the eyes as we were learning that many of our actions are habitual.  One of the most enlightening things I learned from the book was that we have habitually learned that when you look at a woman you check her body out.  Like, it's not even a thought anymore.  It's just as natural as looking at your door handle as you reach for the door to open it.  It's part of the process of how we interact with women.

And as painful as that might be for many of you to hear, it may even help you not take things so personally.  Part of the sexual decay in men from this is that women have become so objectified that it's not even about the women, it's just the simple fact that you are a woman and therein lies a resource to our own satisfaction.  And at that point, when the hormones are raging and the hunger is screaming for physical intimacy, your soul is not a concern.  Which in lies the issue and my direction for you to consider the air war of sexual purity.

My dealings with the Gospel has opened my eyes to how silly humans are.  We actually think that external things will make us holy.  So many of us honestly believe that if I just put up the parental controls, then my lust will come to an end.  I've heard preachers tell us to smash our laptops and destroy CDs that defile women, all can be replaced.  OR we honestly believe that when I eventually get married, I'll be okay.  I'm getting it on the regular, I shouldn't be in need of it right?  Lol.  Ask any married man about that one.  OR we honestly believe, if I just stare at the ground, I won't look at every girl on campus, that works well until you run into someone.  But hear me, all of these are part of the ground war and are good tactical things to fight this.  But the truth is, since our very nature is sinful and wicked, we will find a way to get what our imperfect dying bodies are ultimately after---death.  So without the air war, which is the internal re-engineering and the motivation to do the ground war, we will shrug off the ground war of sexual purity due to our desire for comfort, just like you would skip a week at the gym because we don't feel like going.  And in my growth as a believer in Jesus and having this monkey on my back for so long, I remember my first encounter that this battle for sexual purity was an air war.

I did an internship at my church in the summer of 2009.  I was the only guy mixed in with 9 girls, which turned out to be a very good thing for me.  One morning at our 6 AM chapel, I was sitting in the front row of the church in prayer.  And I felt God direct me to turn around and look at the 9 women in the room, in which some had their hands raised in worship, others were reading their bibles, while a few were crying as they wrote in their journals.  And God continued His dialogue, "This is how I want all MY daughters to look."

Whoa.

It makes a difference when you know who claims them.  And the fact a holy and majestic God claimed them, and that precious royal blood was shed for the ladies in the room, I was afraid to hug them after that.  But the difference that made was remarkable because it wasn't anything practical, it was simply just the glory of God being revealed me that He claims them.  Which means that the glory of God is this air war that I'm talking about. 

So men, unfortunately, we are not going to be able to escape the visible and external temptation of sex in our culture.  Women will continue to wear less and there's nothing we can do about it.  However, God has called us to lead in all situations.  Eve could have slapped Adam in the face with the forbidden fruit with her naked body exposed but he was still supposed to remain pure to the holy command of God that said do not eat it.  Which means regardless of the culture, regardless of what women are doing, regardless of their lack of attention to modesty, God is calling for us to lead and love first and well.  So even if women were to walk around naked, throwing themselves at us every 9.3 seconds, if we are winning our sexual purity battle in the air, we will be able to live lives of integrity to the covenant of Jesus.  So let's chat about it.  

1.  Remember to fear God. 
I think many churches are enabling us to not fear God, therein not take our sin seriously, because of their lack of desire to preach the full wrath of God.  And I understand why.  Many of them were raised in the time when "fire and brimestone" preaching was popular and it was turning people away from God because He sounded hateful, and these passionate preachers have discovered God's grace and loves it deeply---as they should--- and have set up camp to only preach the fullness of God's grace.  But that is an over correction.  Because it's not like the fire and brimestone preaching was completely false.  Judgement is waiting for unrepentant sin, and we cannot give an accurate presentation of the Gospel without allowing the good news to invade the bad news.  So a balance of the tension is in order.  We can't define God's grace without establishing the bad news of His wrath.  And I'll go so far as to say that we can't fully grasp the weight of His love and mercy without experiencing the weight of His wrath.  And for the air war to be effective, some realities of God's nature and character has to be healthy within our hearts.  We must be aware of God's omnipresence, that there are no private matters of the heart or our actions.  So he sees that side glance.  He sees that text message.  He sees that phone call.  He sees you in your room by yourself with your laptop.  He sees it all. And I know many of us do not like to sit under that kind of tension, even as I wrote it I sped through it, but we must know that there's a fullness to be gained from fearing God.  But sadly, many of us have a hard time understanding how to fear and love authority because we didn't have fathers who focused on creating the balance in the tension of the two.  So we have a hard time understanding how fearing God by His commands is Him desiring to lead us in experiencing a greater joy---so imagine Him saying, "I created it all, so I kinda know how its suppose to work".  Its the difference in teaching young men that premarital sex is a sin and it's wrong and we shouldn't do it because God hates it, versus discipling young men in that truth and helping them to grow in the fullness of God to understand that there is a beautiful joy and protection offered when sex is enjoyed in a marriage, a covenant between a man and woman, a beautiful bond shared between these two people who know each other deeply and live in the fear of God that seals the marriage.   But until that maturity is gained, the "because God is offended by it" has to be sufficient. 
   
2.  Remember that a woman's ultimate purpose is not for your use.
Women, along with men, were primarily designed to bring God's glory.  So our "needs" we claim we have to need sex whenever our body's scream for it, is a lie.  She was not designed to complete you or fill that void.  So when your body begins to long for physical intimacy and something to eat, you remember that she is not there to satisfy your hunger.  So this motivates the ground war by keeping us off the XXX sites or sending that late night text, asking to come over.  

3.  Remember that women are blood bought.  
God claims them as His own, because He paid a price for them.  Royal blood was spilled for them, and I've read the Old Testament and because of point number 1 from earlier, I know that God takes very serious the people He's in covenant with. So stop messing over His daughters.  They are His.  And there's things we wouldn't say to a woman if her dad was sitting right next to her with a shotgun and a police record. Know who claims them.  They are daughters of a holy God.   

4.  Remember you are blood bought too. 
God claims us as well.  My favorite story to help explain this is the story of the prodigal son.  If you haven't read it, check out Luke 15:11-32.  In the story, when the son sins against his father and God, he finds himself lost, broken, and without money.  He then finds himself desiring the food that he was feeding some pigs of someone he worked for, and he remembered that in his father's house he was offered better.  So he returns home, desiring to convince his father that he doesn't deserve to be called son, and so he will gratefully assume the role as a hired servant.  But the father, so gracious and merciful, doesn't receive his plea, but instead calls him son and allows him back into the house.  Now the prodigal son could have continued with his agreement of wanting to be a hired servant, or he could respond to the father calling him a son.  Sons eat well.  Sons are loved well.  Sons rest and enjoy life next to the father.   And this is the story of us, men, my brother.  Sin is beneath us because God is offering us so much better in His house.  My brothers, God is offering us the same invitation.  We don't have to eat of sin's temporary, empty and vain promises.  We don't have to eat of it's defilable, contaminated, and disgusting nature, but God has the best of the best, which is Himself, and better for us to eat from.  Which means that this fight of sexual purity is us realizing that God has better intimacy awaiting us than a girl we don't know on our laptop screen.  Which means he has better for us than the fleeting pleasure of a one night stands.  He has in Him, a fullness and a joy that is inexplicably awesome awaiting when we worship Him through the beauty of how he has designed sex to be, a pleasure---yes a pleasure--- to be fully enjoyed between a man and a woman who is in love with Jesus and in love with each other. 

And we will never reach that fullness of the air war without diving deeper in our relationship with Jesus.  If you stay on the ground too long, you are missing out on enjoying the relational aspect of being reunited with the Savior of our souls and the truth that God is calling us sons--- in that, we are Kings----in that, a living King is living inside of us and guess what?  You're better than sin because of that. 

Let us live as such. 

The Thorn in the Flesh of Manhood

Can I challenge you to do something, just while you're reading this blog?

I know you may have your own opinions and frustrations towards men, trust me, I am fully aware of the even justifiable tension from the opposite sex to be greatly disgusted with men in our culture.  Trust me when I say that I grieve along with many of you women, when someone is telling you to "wait on a good guy", and the lack of hope that follows with that positive saying.  I know that's a tall order when you're looking around the church and it's 75% women and 25% men.  (My own numbers, lol)  So I'm aware how many of you feel.  And with those things being present, I'm asking you to sit them to the side and let's examine some trues that I want to share with you about men.  I think this could be helpful for men and women.  So, just for the next maybe 5 minutes, I am asking that you sympathize with us as you read.  Please?

Got your heart ready?  Okay, let's work.   

Imagine all the men that get on your nerves or sickens you as the reality that they were once little boys.  More than likely little boys that if you ran across them in a supermarket in a baby stroller you'd deem as extremely adorable.  So as these little boys, let's hope they had someone to nourish and cherish them while they were young.  But sadly, many young boys start to get neglected at an early age.  Video games and cartoons are left to raise us, to occupy our time, because no one wants to engage with us and develop us.   It's almost as if we're in the way.  Well, we didn't ask to be born. 

And so these isolated and lonely little boys grow up to be young boys, with many never having had the freedom and the security to be vulnerable and safely fail because so many times when we showed pain as children we were told to "man up", "slap some dirt on it and move on", "that's what men are supposed to do".  So instinctively, at still a very early age, we have learned that you deal with your own problems and weaknesses and never show emotion, because people will mock you and use it against you to challenge your masculinity.

When Tim Tebow lost in his final game as a Florida Gator in the SEC Championship game, people from all over mocked and laughed at him for crying on the sidelines after they were defeated. Names like "cry baby" were tossed around because a man couldn't help but to express the very passion that he was praised for his entire college career, but then as that passion and love for football and the University of Florida caused tears to pour out of his eyes, his masculinity was challenge.  And in the sports world, even internally, there's no relief.  I played football in high school, and if you had any kind of injury you were laughed at for telling the coach about it.  I had an high ankle sprain going into my senior year, and coaches would scream at me for being soft because I was favoring my hurt ankle when I ran the ball.  Because, hey, football players are tough guys and are expected to play through pain, because that's what men do.  So again, we are trained to isolate ourselves and deal with it on our own.  No one is willing to share in the pain with us, and culture continues to tell us "you're a man, deal with it yourself".  "Get over it and move on".  So players around the world have serious injuries but they feel obligated to continue to play through them because they don't want to be called soft--which is more challenging of their masculinity-- because they have pain.  

A newer story that's circulating now is a Miami Dolphin player quit the team for being bullied.  And of course, the entire world is having a field day with laughing at this guy.  Once again, which I'm sure I sound like a broken record now, telling him to "man up", isolate yourself and deal with that issue.  My friends, the rest of the men in the world are paying attention to your bashing--and guess what you're telling us.   

If anybody messes with you, to save you the humiliation, don't tell anybody!  Because let's just use common sense and basic math, I'd rather 79 people on a football team challenge my masculinity than 100,000,000 people.  And we wonder why our young men are committing suicide because of depression.  And unwritten rules like, "snitches get stitches", are crippling us in nearly every aspects of our lives.  Shhh...don't tell anybody.  And I can guarantee you many of the mass shootings that has happened was probably because a young boy wanted to prove he was a man because so many people have challenged his masculinity.

And I'm convinced that the growing rate of sexual promiscuity is a reason for this as well.  Many men have been told that sexual conquests are defining elements of masculinity.  And so we love our locker room story swap.  Our chest poke out some when we're able to share a story or relate to someone else's sexual encounters.  As disgusted as I am of my past I even have to repent of this one.  My masculinity has been challenged throughout the years because I have chosen to respect women, but in high school I got tired of the challenging so I gave into the peer pressure and started engaging with women intimately---and seriously---only to be able to have a story to share!  (God help us).  And since meeting Jesus and many years of Him discipling me and claiming Lord over areas in my life, I'm back to being challenged again when I'm being mocked as "being afraid of a woman" because I'm choosing to deny a woman offering me the best of herself.

So the men that have to deal with this daily, we're also asking them to join our more feminized churches.  All the songs are emotionally driven lyrically, that many of us are uncomfortable with allowing ourselves to connect with because everything else in culture tells us we shouldn't do that, because remember, showing emotion is a weakness. And I love the over correction because what's a more "masculinized" church?  Rock Christian songs instead of ballets and beef jerky instead of pastries?  Root beer instead of coffee?  Sports scores running across the bottom of the screen during announcements? Lol, who knows?   

But what I do know is that this thorn in the flesh of manhood runs deep.  It started years ago when someone didn't console us when we had a boo-boo.  Now, a lot of men are seriously incapable of admitting weaknesses and failures because we fear being disrespected and mocked.  So we will remain silent as we sexually decay into animals.  We will remain content in our inadequacies.  We will remain distant to avoid responsibility of our actions.  I had a great friend tell me one time that he struggles with facing his son after he and the mother divorced, and that sometimes he doesn't even want to pick him up on his weekend to get him because he hates dealing with the shame.  But I loved this guy because he said, Claude, it takes a man to face the shame and endure that and working to make it right.  And that's when it hit me....I wonder how many of these "trifling fathers" deep down actually want to be great fathers?  But they have no idea how to be one so they run?  Yes, it's a lose lose situation, but it hurts more when you try and you fail.  Because our culture has made fun of us for so long when we are vulnerable, and these frustrated mothers continue to press into these men by reminding them how lousy they are, which is feeding more into the pain they are probably already wrestling with on how inadaquent are to be a real man.

If you're a male reading this, I'm here to tell you that it's okay for you to fail and be imperfect.  There's a Gospel that has already exposed your short comings, so guess what?  No one can call you out on your imperfections, it's already out, you've already been exposed.  BUT, and this is a big BUT, there is a man named Jesus who is extremely interested in firstly, loving you and bringing you to Himself, and He wants to help you be the man that I know deep down you really want to be.  It's hard for me to believe that you want to suck as a man.  No one wakes up and wants to be awful.  So in a way that many people cannot understand, you're doing your best because it's the best you know, which also means that it's not entirely your fault if no one has bothered to share in the pain that you have harbored for so many years. 

But Jesus is offering to share in that pain.   

So please hear me, you really have more people in your corner than you realize.  You have an almighty God that wants to breathe life into you and enable you to be the man He has called you to be.  You have way more purpose than you realize.  You have a reason to be here.  If you knew how serious your role was in the lives of EVERYBODY around you, I bet you'd respond differently.  Which I know that may freak you out some, but don't let it.  God is not leaving you to do anything alone like everybody else did.  And when we get that boo-boo, or rather when we fail, His Gospel reminds us that we are covered by the blood of Jesus and through that grace He enables and empowers us to press on towards the mark of full sanctification--in other words, He's saying "man up", but He's offering you a Fatherly relationship and also saying, "Let me show you how."

So my brother, that's all you need is Jesus.  And He's agreeing with everybody that you're not that awesome, but unlike many people from your past who has told you that, He has been the only person to do something about your weaknesses and wants to turn them into strengths for His glory.  So suit up! You're a king when you're in Christ.

For I'm convinced that if more men knew who claimed them and walked in the power appointed by God for His sons to impact this world, we'd see those "greater things" Jesus speaks of in John 14:12  

^"Very truly I tell you, whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. "

The "Content In My Singleness" Myth

The older I get the more entertaining the modern day mind is becoming to me, especially in my Christian circles.  Today I want to tackle this, "content in my singleness" illusion that so many Christian's are adopting as doctrine.  And yes, I read "I Kiss Dating Goodbye" by Joshua Harris, and I actually recommend it.  So in saying that, I am in no way trying to bash a new approach to relationships, however, I am asking you to really think about some of things we tell ourselves in order to be "happy" with something God has cursed...I mean blessed us with.

As 2013 is nearing its end, I am sure that I will be labeling this year as the "Jealousy Year".  In this year alone, I have had many good friends enter into new relationships or seal the deal with a nice wedding.  And as I internally fold my arms and pout and say, "God, when will my turn be?" I continue to smile and say things like, "I'm happy for you guys".

And I genuinely am; I'm not that big of a hater.  But if I really finished the sentence, it would really go something like, "I'm really happy for you guys, but I can't wait till it's my turn."  And I have no one to blame but our culture.  Social media has made it easier to be jealous of our friends.  I think Facebook has mastered the news-feed setting "things to make you hate your life", because it just seems to know when the perfect time is to show someone's perfect life.  Like every time a relationship status changes, you will know.  Every time a new person is engaged, you will know.  Every time a wedding is being done, you will know.  It's the world we live in.  I think we think, "Let me post it on Facebook" quicker than we think, "Let me tell my close friends", but that's not what this blog is about. This blog is for the people who have ever said something like, "I'm dating Jesus."  I have a question, So, when you do get a boyfriend, you and Jesus breaking up?  I don't think He'd be down for being the boyfriend on the side.  

Stuff like that is what has encouraged me to write this blog, exposing the insufficiency of that kind of doctrine.  Because you'd think after hearing it from so many different preachers and bible studies that we'd have it mastered by now.  You'd think the Facebook posts wouldn't bother us at all as much as we have heard, "Let God write your love story" or, "in God's timing it will happen."  Can I get an Amen from the Christians who know that "sometimes, that's just not enough."  Let me hurt you a little.

I looked up the definition of content.  It means to be satisfied, desiring no more than one has.  So being content in our singleness would mean that you are fully satisfied with being single, and you don't desire anything else.  And how many of us, "content in our singleness", can't even imagine being 40 years old and never having been married?  You don't have to raise your hand, because I know that thought scares you, it scares me.  Which is why I'm saying the we're trying to force ourselves to believe in an insufficient doctrine because the contentment we're speaking of is a temporary satisfaction.  What we're really telling God, "Lord, I'm content in my singleness, for, maybe 3 more years, so hurry up."  We desire more than our singleness, which means we are unsatisfied with being single.  And I believe that's okay---only because---I think there's more to what God is wanting from us.

In this transitional time of my life, I have experienced the rollercoaster of insufficient doctrine.  I have found myself finding hope in encouraging words that people have said like, "It'll happen Claude, just trust God."  And they'd spit out the Psalm 37:4 "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart."  And I have felt myself warm up inside because I trust that God is going to prosper me and provide this good job and wife one day just like everybody else---but then the next day happens---and there's no phone calls from a potential employer, and no texts from a pretty lady.  And I'm bummed again.  "Lord, I delighted in you yesterday, where's my desires!?"

I'll make this bold statement and say that God doesn't want you content in your singleness.  I think He just wants you to be fully satisfied in Him.  Not this, "Lord, I'll be happy in you even if I'm single for the rest of my life," please stop doing that.  Nobody is making you think that, quit it.  I think we sale ourselves short when we try these mind games to get ourselves to be happy about something in our lives.  I remember being interested in a girl and we were having a discussion on how we could protect each other, and her way was, "I'm looking at you like this, you are somebody's future husband and I want to treat you like I'm hoping the girl is treating the guy I'll be marrying."  And then suggested I do the same.  I was thinking, "Naw, that won't work for me because I'm hoping you're the present wife."

But why not just revere God, and honor and love Him in all of our relationships by honoring and protecting this woman?  We don't need that pyschobabble to be obedient to God.  We forget that God is a relational God and He wants way more than just our begrudging obedience.  So I shouldn't just honor a woman I'm seeing as a potential wife, no, all of them should be honored and valued.  So you don't have to begrudgingly submit to God not blessing you with one of your greatest desires today, instead let's bite into the fullness of God---which I think we too often ignore the vastness of intimacy that's available for us.  

Can you imagine the love that was present that day when Jesus took up the cross?  Can you imagine the amount of love that was present when a holy and unimaginably valuable and honorable creator and King was beaten by His own creation and humiliated and mocked with such a shameful death?  Such royalty should die on a golden bed while watching How I Met Your Mother with the taste of barbeque on his taste buds and sugar from the sweet tea lingering on his lips, not "murdered" by the same method they murder the average criminal.  And yet, He did that so that I might bring Him the ultimate glory by being in relationship with Him---

My friends that is a big deal.

I'm always deeply moved by a certain line in the song "Here I Am To Worship". It goes like, "I'll never know, how much it costs.  To see my sin upon that cross."  And I never want to stop trying to know and understand the weight of my sin, the pressure of God's wrath being absorbed in my Savior's body, I'll never know how much it costs.  And I'm even in tears right now writing this because I don't think God is wanting me to be content in anything other than Him because of His great love for me.  And He wants that in my season of singleness, season of marriage, season as a widower, or whatever.  It never changes, He is always, in every season, the ultimate gain, the ultimate source, the ultimate idea, the ultimate lover....but why do we never turn to Him?  Instead we'll settle for these false realities of finding temporary satisfaction when Christ is offering me to be completely satisfied in Him.  Which sounds a whole lot better than trying to force myself to enjoy being alone when I know I want a family one day.

So I'll say this, if preaching "being content in your singleness" helps you get through the hour, then I don't want to take that from you.  However, I am offering that God is after more than just you being happy in a circumstance.  He wants you fully satisfied in Him, not seasonally satisfied in someone else.      

So let me be honest, I'll probably be hating on the next person that posts an engagement picture or a sonogram..  However, what I'm challenging you to consider I'm also challenging myself, and it's, "Am I not connected to the greatest lover of all?"  And in my answer being yes, I will redirect my hope from that "some day I'll be married" to the truth that "today I am in love with Jesus" and I have all that I need in the Savior of the world because He owns my heart and has rescued me from an eternal death.  And if the true definition of contentment means being fully satisfied and wanting nothing else, I will always feel that way about the love of my life, Jesus.  I desire no other Savior but the one that died in my place for the glory of God, and I will fight and battle with my own heart to love Him and be content in Him alone---so---keep posting your exciting news you lucky lovers. We young singles will be alright.

 

What Can Wash Away My Sin?

What can wash away my sin? 
Nothing but the blood of Jesus. 
What can make me whole again? 
Nothing but the blood of Jesus.

I love those questions that the writer of the song asks.  What can wash away my sin? Not to be confused with this moralistic theology that I can just improve my sin, but what can wash it away.  Get rid of it.  Destroy it.  Conquer it.  Yes, concrete words.  Imagine this with me.

There's two criminals in a court room.  One of the criminals is facing a sentence of 1 day in county jail.  And the other criminal is facing a sentence of life in prison.  Small or large crimes, both are being judged today. 

The judge, in a pressed robe and stern face walks into the court room.  All rise in honor.  The two criminals are both anticipating their verdict.  But one is a little more relaxed than the other.  I mean, one day in county jail. He can still catch the big game this weekend, no big deal.  But the criminal awaiting to know if he will rot in prison for the rest of his life is weeping at the possibilities of being away from his family and friends, and yes, missing the big game as well.  

The judge instructs everyone to sit in their seats.  One of the criminals is planning a shopping list in his head to pick up on his way home in two days---the other, asking himself what is there to do for the rest of your life in prison.  THE REST OF MY LIFE?  I mean, all because of one mistake??  I promise I won't do it again.  Just one mistake?  Life in prison.  The criminal pleaded to himself, or perhaps even to the big man.  

But justice must be served.  A law was broken.  Whether great or small, laws were broken and justice must be served.

The judge clears his throat, "In the case of Criminal #1 vs the State,  due to outside agreement, Criminal #1 will not have to serve the 1 day in county jail.  NOT GUILTY."  A few claps rang out from the crowd.  I mean, it was just one day.  Criminal #1 shrugs, adjusts his plans from two days to today and heads out of the court room.  The judge turns to the other criminal.

"In the case of Criminal #2 vs the State, due to outside agreement, Criminal #2,"  the judge looks up from the verdict slip.  He can see the sweat dripping off of the criminals face.  Everyone is sitting on the edges of their seat in anticipation, waiting for the inevitable.  But everyone likes to hope for the upset.

"NOT GUILTY."

Criminal number 2 hadn't realize he wasn't breathing.  His stomach fell to the floor as the words he was not expecting to hear was just uttered by the judge.  Everyone in the courtroom was stunned at the verdict--and the fact that the judge was smiling.  Criminal #2, completely dumbfounded, looks up to the judge.  "May I approach the bench?"

"You may."  The judge complied.  Criminal #2 scurried from behind the table and approached the intimidating bench.  The grin was still on the judge's face.

"So um?  I know I shouldn't question you or the verdict, I'm probably crazy to.  But um, what happened?  I was for sure I was being sentenced to life."

"Do you not accept your verdict?"

"Oh yes sir.  I do.  I'm just, curious.  You know.  Kind of a big deal to just have a life sentence erased like that."

The judge lightly chuckled.  "I know, kinda was huh?"

"So, what happened?"

"See this guy next to me?"  The judge asked as He pointed to his right hand side.  "He has decided to satisfy the wrath of the State by taken on your life sentence."

"So he's the outside agreement?"

"Yes He is.  He is my son."

"Your son?"

"Yes.  My son."

"You let him?"

"Well yes, it was my pleasure to."

"Why?"

"Because of my great love for you."

Criminal #2 was stunned.  He had never heard of such a thing.  "Sorry.  Still a little confused.  So, you're telling me that I'm free to go?"

"Yes."

"Like, I'm not on Punk'd?"

"No."

"So I'm free to go?"

"Yes."  The judge grinned at his questions.  The criminal was still dragging his stomach around as he paced the floor.  He could not comprehend such mercy.

"But what could just wash away my sin?"

"Nothing but the blood of Jesus.  The wages of your sins is death, so yes, you deserve to be sentenced to your life sentence.  But my son has decided to die in your place."

The criminal looked at the man sitting on the judge's right hand side, amazed at the grace being lavished on him by that gentleman.  He didn't understand why anyone would do such a thing for him, I mean, he deserved to do some kind of time.  Because, if he really thought about it, it was a pretty wicked person.

"Sir, thank you so much.  How can I ever repay you?"

"That's not necessary."

"Well I must do something."

"Just follow me."

"Follow you where?"

"We'll deal with that when we get there, just follow me."

"Well, I may be freed from my sins but that doesn't change what I've done."

"You're right.  But there is no longer any shame for that, it's been taken care of.  Now you can feel free to deal with those issues."

"Okay, I can go work on that."

"No, WE can work on that.  Just follow me."  

The criminal thanked his lawyer and he walked out of the courtroom, completely in awe at the mercy of the judge and His son.

My friends, this is the Gospel.  You get a different response when the person understands his sentencing.  We, man's depravity, unable to do anything good.  Completely torn down and broken apart and separated from God because of our sin, not the ones we committed when we turned 13, but the ones we inherited at birth and it's the very nature of who were are.  So because of that, doomed for death and the wrath of God.  BUT Jesus, ----can I preach for a second---BUT JESUS, seeing all that we are.  Jesus, knowing fully of our sins, of our short comings, of our future sins, became that outside agreement with God and absorbed the wrath of God and died in our place, to impute his righteousness for our unrighteousness so that we may be seen as holy and blameless before a Holy God and be returned back into relationship with Him.

What an unbelievable love.