Sunday, December 15, 2013

Quiet Envy

With this one blog post I can make aware the cry of all of our hearts because I know something about us, that lying deep within our hearts there is a quiet envy.  You can say, "No, it's not me", for right now, just so you can get through the blog.  I'll be the first to be honest about how I am feeling.  

What a feeling to feel like you're on the sidelines huh?  I think social media is causing a wreckage on our hearts because of its assorting which enables us to adore and enjoy the highlights of people's lives.  Of course, most people only post the great things that happen to them on these social media sites.  And as we look at these highlight reels of our friends lives, we are left with this spectating feeling.  As if we are just merely watching someone else's life be awesome while ours is just destined for being a bench warmer.  And if you've ever played a sport and rode the pine, you know exactly the feeling I'm talking about.  That feeling as you watch your teammates play the sport you love, while you're sitting on the bench, knowing you have so much potential to be great too.  Yeah, that feeling.    

And maybe it's the Christmas season that is making this single guy feel especially moody.  Or the fact that I have some great friends in new relationships, and one is expecting!  Or the fact that my Alma Mater is having a spectacular season after I graduate, and I'm merely sitting on the bench, bored, disengaged, blindly clapping for successes while watching everyone else's life be filled with hope and promise and destiny.  

And I'll be the first to admit that I'm being a spoiled little brat.  I'm the kid right now that everyone hates, the one that throws the tantrum in the store when their mom denies them that toy they just saw in the store.  I'm the kid right now that pouts the entire time at recess because I couldn't get on the swing first.  I'm the kid right now that is ignoring all the wonderful gifts my parents have gotten me, but they forgot to get me the new PS4, ya know, "the one thing I asked for."  But yes, I am tired of cheering on my friends and family for their successes while I have none.  Yes, I am tired of scrolling through my Facebook and Twitter newsfeed and seeing my friends in love with their churches and thriving in a ministry and I'm waiting and wishing for both.  

My friend, I am sick of it.  I'm sick of me.  I'm sick of being the spoiled little brat.  I'm sick of battling with discontent when I have the Savior of my heart that is always with me.  Which there lies the root of my issues. I have been trying to treat the symptoms instead of turning to the person that's offering full healing.  

The symptoms are my discontent with being single, or being without a high paying job I enjoy, or being without a church home and ministry I'm leading in and serving in.  I can treat the symptoms by listening to some of the typical encouragement, "Oh she's out there Claude just have to wait," and, "just waiting on God to open that door for a new job," and, "you'll find that church and ministry one day."  And all of these are true things, but I think there's a greater brokenness rearing it's ugly head.  And guess what it is?  

I don't trust Jesus to full satisfy me.  

Why do we grieve the heart of God in such a way?  Could you imagine someone wanting to be in relationship with you only to get what you can give them?  Let's say you're a millionaire and I only want to be in relationship with you because I know you could give me all my dreams.  I think we're all spiritual gold diggers.  All we want is what God can give us.  All the time.  We don't want Him.  Everybody wants heaven, but everybody also wants to keep their sin.  Everybody wants a relationship but keep their selfishness.  We're just like the men that want to be married but keep their single life of playing video games and eating cookies with their boys.  We have to come to the truth that Jesus is Lord of All or None.  There is no other way around that truth.  He assumes the position of Lord of All when you've admitted your sin and have repented and expressed your need for Him.  

So let's always remember that need.  And I am remembering that today.  I can not continue to push Him away just because I'm not getting what I want.  It's the craziest irony.  The person I'm most frustrated with is the one I have to go to find healing for my frustration.  And what's rooted in all of our frustration? Unmet expectations.  Which only means I have been exposed, because for some reason I have expected Jesus to give me the things I want right when I ask for them in a timely manner.  No stalling Jesus. Chop Chop!  

So now I ask, have you ever felt this way?  If so, thank goodness for the Gospel huh?  Thank goodness that Jesus knew our wicked hearts was going to need a righteousness that surpassed our own abilities to be pure and holy.  We couldn't do it.  We can't even be 100% happy for someone else without wanting what they have. And if you're anything like me, in these moments of discontentment and envy, you try to regroup back to old comforts.  And even that begins to fail you after awhile.  So you feel that Jesus has failed you, and you feel that your sin has failed you.  So where do you turn to?  What hope do you turn to?  Sadly, some of your doctrines does not even support an answer for that, so I'll help you.  What we turn to is an eternal perspective of Christ's love for us.  Yes our earthly gain is not going our way, but if you are believer in Jesus and have been regenerated and born again, you should take hope in the coming salvation.  You also should take hope in the fact that you have Jesus.  

Is He not enough? 

"Yeah, but I want....."

No, is He not enough?  Is Jesus not enough?  

That question haunts my broken soul.  Can you even say yes? And mean it?   

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