"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love." John 15:9
Hello readers. Welcome to my heart. Let's begin.
This is transparency hour. I'll be writing a two part "Intimate" series, each with a different perspective on seriously the greatest things that has ever happened to me. I'm in love with cliches, to the point to where I dislike them. I hope that makes sense. I'm aware of the preacher talk and the things Christians are supposed to say, but right now, for a moment, I would LOVE it---if you wouldn't consider it that way. I would LOVE it if you would block out what you've heard and just read. Don't let your mind try to dull this moment because its becoming repetitive in your life. I'm afraid this Bible Belt area I live in fall victim to this. Hey, here's some fresh air. I want you to breathe fresh air again. No minds are welcomed right now, only hearts. Wireless connection to each other hearts. Ready? Lets go.
So, my Christian walk has been flooded with normal responses. I was raised in the church, I knew about God, and I knew what was expected of me. So, when I decided to accept Jesus into my life, I knew what was expected of me----but not of what I should be expecting from Him.
Uh oh? Please don't miss that. I knew what was expected of me, but not of what I should have been expecting from Him.
And, to a certain degree, we Christians, have ruined the message of Jesus Christ with our do's and don'ts. I struggled with not experiencing God because I was trying to get my actions to measure up to God. So, with my apparent lust problem, here I am, saved, and FIGHTING to continue to stay pure. Oh,and I didn't know what that looked like. Because to me, purity was NO SEX. Hey, that was on my list of don'ts. But they didn't say DO NOT DO EVERYTHING ELSE that could eventually lead up to having sex. So I looped holed and tried to get away with as much as I could and still hold the title "Christian". Not very fruitful is it? Not very worth living? Who would desire this life? And see, I wouldn't dare turn away from God, my mom would be so hurt. My pastor would be so hurt. Ugh!
And then, a sweet precious friend told me to start seeking a more intimate relationship with God.
Um? Excuse me? Intimate?
Now, to this day I love my friend so much for this, because she planted this beautiful seed in me, not knowing it'd blossom into this giant tree of life I'm eating from today. But this right here, changed my perspective of God. It changed to me focusing on what God was expecting from me, to what I should be expecting from Him. Because, intimacy involves two parties. The definition of intimate is: marked by very close association, contact, or familiarity, or marked by a warm friendship developing through long association. Oh wow, I can have that with God? This implies that I can actually exchange something with the ALL MIGHTY GOD! The creator? The....the...GOD!
I was in this horrible place of my life. I had been girl crazy and chasing my lust for like, 6 years, very comfortable in that lifestyle, and now God is asking me to not have a girlfriend.
Um, excuse me Sir. That's not an option.
But see that right there showed me that my desire for love from a woman was higher than my desire for God. Oh, I didn't explain that. Eventually, God showed me that I was looking for love through lust. Trying to build something from ashes. Trying to find life through death. So He literally broke me down, emptied out my mental capacity of love and restored it with Him. I remember the night I chose to seek intimacy from Him instead of from a woman. I had been around some very happy couples and they were all cuddly and wuddly and doing clean couple stuff, and I left their house in an envious state of mind. I'm looking up at God, asking Him why would You deny me that!? Why have You asked me to do something but not them? Why are You punishing me? I WANT THAT! I WANT TO BE LOVED RIGHT NOW! But guess what happened? God actually responds to these kinds of questions, not always by speaking, but by showing. So after my long rant, too exhausted to find someone to flirt with and tease this desire, I turned on some worship music and just rested. And Jimmy Needham Dearly Loved came on my iPod. And I sat there. Listening to the lyrics. Focusing my attention on I AM DEARLY LOVED. Jimmy kept asking me DID YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE DEARLY LOVED? Claude? Do you know you are loved? Do you? And God moved on me. He answered my questions by simply loving me. And while I'm being completely filled He whispers to me, "Son, I want you to experience TRUE LOVE, and that's from Me."
His desire to be with us is remarkably the craziest thing in the world. With the dumb stuff we do on the daily, He just sits and waits for us to finally just drop all of our frustrations and just say, HAVE YOUR WAY. That's all I really did that night. Instead of going with my flesh of desiring intimacy from a woman, I let God have His way and I saw what happened. My life was changed that day. I FINALLY understood why He was telling me I didn't need a girlfriend, because He was wanting to show me what love was, because I didn't understand it.
If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.